Golf Jokes Archive

Copyright Note: Because most of these jokes are passed from one person to another over the internet, if the author is not specifically mentioned, no person will be sited as author.
Warning: Contents may not be appropriate for children under 18.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Picture of a Golf Cruise Ship

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is..."Top the of mornin to ya."

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those son?" ask the attendant.

"They're called tees." replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive." replies Tiger.

"AW, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law.
-- H. G. Wells (Bealby, 1915)

The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective...

However, if you are offended because of your favorite sport, please tell someone else. Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following may shed some light:

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.
The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more, unless you buy it from scalpers, in which case it's $1,000+.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world, and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options - get rid of it or leave.
In golf, you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime, Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name-calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.
Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
And Finally: Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy: Why do golf courses have 18 holes-not 20, or 10, or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. "TRUE STORY"

Ode To A Golf Ball

In my hand I hold a ball.
White and dimpled, rather small.
Oh, how blank it does appear,
this harmless looking little sphere.

By it's size I could not guess.
The awesome strength it does possess.
But since I feel beneath its spell,
I've wandered through the fires of hell.

My life has not been quite the same,
since I chose to play this stupid game.
It rules my mind for hours on end,
a fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me yell, curse and cry.
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called par,
if I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball,
should not be very hard at all.
But me desires the ball refueses,
and does exactly as it chooses.

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies,
and even disappears before my eyes.
Often it will have a whim,
to hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land,
it finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul,
if only it would find the hole.

It made me whimper like a pup,
and swear that I will give it up.
And take to drink to ease my sorrow,
but the ball knows: I'll be back tomorrow.

Sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale Arizona:

BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yes, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary, and natural disasters! "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've be! en trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
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Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. .
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Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

Famous Golf Quotes ... so we're told.

Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
Babe Ruth: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."
Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players : "They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."
Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."
Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
"Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him."
Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said:
"I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir."
"3-iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of tupid choice is hat?"
"Those are the only two clubs you have left, sir." said the caddie.

Subject: Would you remarry?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."

*In 1923, Who Was:

President of the largest steel company?
President of the largest gas company?
President of the New York Stock Exchange?
Greatest wheat speculator?
President of the Bank of International Settlement?
Great Bear of Wall Street?/

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days Now,
80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison/ to die at home.**
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However: in that same year,1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of
the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral: Screw work. Play golf.*

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The
pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes,
that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our club-
house from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said,
"Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said,
"Why can't these guys play at night?"

Devotion

Fred was out playing with his usual Sunday foursome. Fred was just about to putt
when a funeral convoy passes by on a road near the golf course. Fred stops
what he was doing, takes his hat off, and sheds a tear or two.

Perplexed, his buddies grow impatient and said "Common Fred, putt already!"

Fred replies "Give me a sec guys, we married 30 years!"